Thursday night. Somewhere between 2:00am and 3:00am. I was having a beer alone in a little bar in Adrogue. I was alone because I needed some time to be with myself. It's somehow funny when people passing by just look at you, sitting alone with one glass on the table, thinking that I'm not ok because I'm having a beer alone. The energy on their looks, most of them pity looks, made me think of the desperate need of people to be-with-someone, no matter what, and that thought disturbed me a lot.
There was a couple two tables away from mine, they were not ok judging by their faces and gestures. They look exhausted, he has his elbows on the table, one hand holding his head and the other one anxiously moving an empty glass, she has her fingers clasped on her thighs, and couldn't help looking away every time his words upset her. It seems like he is giving reasons, explaining himself, and she was trying to understand, but the cliché of the situation made me think it was pointless for them to be doing that, there was no back to the start. The strange part was that they treated each other with so much care, they knew maybe it was over, but it just impressed me the way they honestly tried to figure things out, avoiding unnecessary impulses. The ending of a real relationship seems like a paradox, because I could see there was definitely sympathy, they cared, so the inability to work it out made me feel a little hopeless (perhaps that ending was the perfect "work it out" but the idea of eternal love is the one we are supposed to believe in, hope is powerful, but it can also blind you). I wanted to listen what they said, The place was almost empty but the music was too loud for me to hear them.
My supposition of the ending made me more curious about them, it was almost inevitable to think about the "split movie-like screen", where in the first one they stay together, and I could witness the calm before the passion, watch them kiss, smile, hold hands or desperately grab each other before having sex in the car in some lonely alley because they just can't wait to go to his or her house. The other scenario where they end things, and I get to see that last goodbye, follow them separately, know their thoughts, watching them cry or walk around with no particular direction, taking the long way home, closing the door of the bedroom, the eternal time before they finally fall asleep and the lack of appetite the next morning while they do nothing but recreate the night before.
At one point they get lost in another couple that was outside, they were silently smoking, looking at the trees. They copy their silence for a while, looking at each other thinking what to say next, I finish my glass and go outside for a smoke (the smoking couple had already left so I had no chance to see what was happening there). When I went back in, he was asking for the check, I was confused because It didn't look like their conversation would end that soon, I had the feeling I missed a crucial part of the talk, so I felt bad. They stared at each other for about a minute, and then as she reaches her hand to his, his nose starts bleeding. She startles, he doesn't understand at first, so she calmly runs her thumb over his upper lip and shows him, he takes a napkin, she tells him to look up, he makes a joke, she smiles and guides him to the bathroom at the end of the hall.
I stayed for about 10 more minutes, I didn't see them leaving.
No paraba de llover, la fiesta pasó al quincho, y eramos como 40 personas, entrábamos justo, pero por suerte no hacía tanto calor. No podía parar de mirarla, tenía unas ganas irresistibles de comerle la boca, hacía 2 minutos que Maru (una de las mejores amigas) me había dicho "dejá de mirarla y andá, no te aseguro nada, pero jugátela, ya fué"
"En el próximo tema la saco a bailar y que sea lo que sea" pensé, terminándome un cuarto de vaso de fernet. Coraje líquido, excusa.
Antes de que pudiera terminar el vaso nuestras miradas se cruzan y ella viene directo a mi, sonriendo, me encantaba como las pecas se le juntaban en la nariz cuando sonreía.
-Che- me dice acercándose a mi oído.-Le gustás a Lau- y se quedó mirándome como si me hubiera dado una excelente noticia. Los ojos se le abrieron esperando mi respuesta.
Si tan solo supiera.
-¿En serio?- le dije, fingiendo sorpresa pero sin poder actuar felicidad.
-Hace rato, avivate, está entregadísima-
(me río).-No puedo, sorry, no me gusta- no podía creer mi suerte, en realidad sí, pero no la vi venir, creía que ya había superado esa etapa.
-Ay, dale! ¿Qué son unos besos?-, me preguntó como rogándome que vaya a buscarla.
-Ja! es que cuando alguien no te gusta, no te gusta, no hay nada que puedas hacer, ponete en mi lugar, imaginate si yo vengo y te digo que tal pibe te tiene ganas (alguien que no te gusta), ¿Le das?-
-Uf, bue, sí, tenés razón, que cagada, Lau es re linda- su tono de voz me confirmó que había entendido lo que le dije, me tranquilizó pero mi cabeza era un colapso de ideas y frases armadas.
-Si- (y en un ataque de "no me importa nada" salió) - Pero me gustás más vos, entonces se me complica- le dije mientras sentía que se me prendía fuego la cara.
Se llevó una mano a la boca con una cara de sorpresa que no me voy a olvidar en un buen tiempo.
-¿Es joda? me pregunta sabiendo que no era ningún chiste -¡Pero tenés que darle a Lau!- me dice como si eso solucionara todo.
-El universo es medio hijo de puta,¿No?- le dije haciéndome el despreocupado, sin expectativas de nada, porque ya estaba todo resuelto. A veces me resulta trágico tener el humor como mecanismo de defensa.
-No puedo, le gustás mucho a Lau, no da- y ahí me abrazó (como pidiéndome perdón).
-Está todo bien, mala suerte- Le dije como si no me afectara, señalé mi vaso vacío con una sonrisa, ella me devolvió el gesto, me di vuelta y me fuí a buscar otro fernet.